Paper cuts

Paper cuts

To collapse under the weight of a feather, as you bleed from a thousand paper cuts — to learn that you loved but failed to give safety. To feel your anger take over, only to discover the anger was nothing more than muddy water hiding sadness, fear, and despair. To erase the memories. To deny the fact that you loved, and were loved too — yet was not enough to fulfill or feed, only to paralyze and cage.

Why have I not been enough, I collapsed, why I was not enough,
And the longing for the home remains unfulfilled, as I watch it take a new shape — to give another a safe heaven. And so to give myself a blessing. So let blessing be among us — the self, the bird, and her others.
And then grief, reminding the self of words spoken somewhere between truth and lie —

He is someone I value. He was there before and will he be there after.
My love I never hoped to take him from you I just wish you gave me care or validation, I never meant to cage you I loved you more than you will ever know
It is my decision to spend the night under his roof.
Yes but see my pain every privilege I was given was taken, when you told me I elevate the vibe then you told me I'm weird I'm scared to be canceled because of you you are weird, my love I know,
My love I did not look evil in my childhood picture, I did not, or even whatever German word you were using, I looked kind, beautiful, like every child who is 4 years old
I will not cut people out for you. And if you have a problem with Sophia too, I don't care.
My love The friendship you have with her made me so happy, I love how you connect with people, love how your eyes shine when they open up to you, yet some how how should i feel when you tell me that you think she wants you more than a friend . i already had to deal with the pain of him , so now maybe I was scared by how much you exclude me from your life, it's the same feeling as I discovered you hide my toothbrush contrast that with how I walked around screaming she she is my lover, I needed to be seen too,
I cannot make promises. You are making me nervous. I feel put on the spot.
My loved I need promises to be fulfilled, like the strawberry shortcake
You carried the weight of the relationship on your own.
My love I collapsed, few words could have saved me, like hi let's talk about your pain I know your hurt I didn't mean to hurt you tell me how can I make you feel valued
And usually I would have been the one to care —
my love why didn't you,
You are so aggressive

my love I thought you were scared of him, I really did you went to a room and hid I thought I'm giving you cover I thought I'm stopping the harm of the world the harm I'm so familiar with I thought I'm stopping it from reaching you
We wasted the day talking to your sister
My love no, we didn't
And I usually bake every week.
Okay
Can we invite Sophia? I think a cake is a lot for one person.
my love No a cake is not a lot for one person, this moment was about us sharing something we love, it was about me receiving care it's not a lot my needs is not a lot,

Your over giving, over affectionate,
My love, since the first time I saw you, I felt like I experienced beauty without compare, I suffer from feeling, this time is suffered from beauty, I don't know what to say

Over giving, over gifting
my love I thought a lot about you, thought what would make you happy or even how to make a silly joke, the gifts were trials for that, the chair I genuinely thought you would love it, rest on your endless to-do list, and it hurt so much when you told me that one time I don't remember what you said but it was during that fight about the birthday card, but I remember how much it hurt
The coffee machine, it didn't cost me anything, I saw it, knew you will love the design, knew you wanted a milk steamer,

The frogs —
Nah it was just funny,

The shirt was after you went to the wedding, I felt so much pain that I begged I come with you, during this month I had one hope, no matter what happens I wanna give you a sense of joy no matter how much pain I was feeling, I thought if I could do that, you will reach toward me, when you came down that train right before I had tears in my eyes I couldn't imagine how come you didn't want to take me I wanted to dance with you so bad wanted to see the home you grew up in, I wanted to see you imagine you and your past,

I genuinely just thought about you, and was trying to make you smile, one more thing during the tantra workshop you said they have a really cool vacuum cleaner I'm still wondering what made this vacuum cleaner so cool, oh btw, you don't add enough Nutella on the bread,
My love that list you made, was never a feedback round, it was reasons for why I'm unworthy of being loved, that was so cruel, so cruel, god it's like you stripped me from my worth, I could not believe the things you wrote, yet somehow I'm so sorry you felt that way, your feelings matter, so does mine, I'm sorry that this was how it ended,
And yes I think there is nothing more beautiful than marriage and a family and a flower and herbs garden,
Yet nothing hurt more than Philip receiving all that care, there was a moment when I realized he is more like a father figure, not an ex lover, have you imagined what could have happened if somehow you saw my pain and met it with care , the joy of life the blessing, yet it's okay I wish him all the best I wish you all the best, thank you, now I can finally say she is no longer my love but I did love her, and i know i can love and i know how can i can be .